how can I
there is nothing left at all
everything has eroded
its depleted
left to crumble and fall
rebuild when
my hands feel so old
slick with the mud of tears
and ashes
weakend marred and cold
stillness fills me
roots deep into my soul
looking at what remains
why defend
a blackened piel of coal
the path of the warrior is harder
the path of the healer is more worrisome
the path of the mother breaks your heart
the path of the love is full of burdens
the path of the wise is lonely
the path of the student carries the blessings of them all
You are so Beautiful both Powerful and Fragile at once says the Goddess to me as She dances laughing milk flowing from her breasts and lava in her veins Kali Ma the Mother reveling in the beauty and sorrow of creating. hands over my heart I cry and release as I see the truth of it all creativity bursts forth form my belly golden light floats on the air in song how potent is the love that births like a star’s explosion hot, searing and bright
Life is that spark, the searing Joy blinding Pain of Love fragile for its impermanence and most beautiful for it as well so drink it all in, taste the rain on your skin bathe in the shrieking glee of your children wrap yourself in the sent of your Love eat your fears for breakfast have a second helping Live because my child this is now
the Heart in my chest melts silver strings of Hope connect me To the Goddess and Myself Together we Create all the Dreams that I have ever Sung aloud or in Secret to Her ears alone
seven blossoms unfold themselves Milk flows from Death and back into Life again it is the secret that the war Goddess knows it is why she laughs at out tears and gently carries us all home
we lay Breathing Together in Sync our bodies keeping Time the moment where my Need ends and your Flesh begins is a smudged line my body drapes across yours Pacified for it has been filled in the quiet reprieve my Mind wanders then unhitches it begins a Dance all its own each step effortless for it has done more than practice its in my Bones every step rehearsed to a symphony Out of Time maybe the problem is my ear in any sleepy mumble you make I feel the Dismissal of a curtain call my Breath pauses, I Skip the intake Loosing the soft Rhythm of our Shared breath instantly you Warmth becomes a place apart spiraling I roll Away form you Unable to see your Outstretched Hands
j.a_b
On a fall day, I run into you it was bound to happen Its a small world, this town is smaller to see you here is nice With one hand in you pocket, causally standing and smiling at me Some small talk is talked, I laugh and our gazes lock, a smoldering fire Catches some wind, that's all it takes the air between us crackles Our surroundings melt away I feel I should break form your gaze, before I start to combust, instead I take a quick breath and choose to burn
I see you everyday lately just in passing as if we are only acquaintances
I tend to linger taking long drinks of you with my eyes aware of the distance between your shoulders and my arms as we stand casually in conversation I'm focused on the closeness of your lips to my cheek
while speaking of nothing of consequence
water salt and water in our veins in the sea holding embracing buoyancy flowing and moving our emotional tides cleansing away on wave rides offer and receive balancing the new currents within reveal whats true
Not sure if this is a funk that I am in today. I don’t want to go and do the things I have to do. Today feels different than the days where I cannot face the day. Those dark stormy days. This is a completely different texture; I just don’t want to go to the grocery store, or tic the boxes off my to-do list. I want to curl up and…. well be curled up.
The sun is leaking into my living room, my pup is stretched out at my feet, I can hear her soft snores. My coffee cup is still warm. I feel relaxed, like I am beating within the natural rhythm of this day.
How much of this kind of time did I used to have, before trauma over took my life? What did I do with my mornings after I took the kids to school? The memories of that time are bright with laughter and lack shape, they smell of warm bread, craft paints and tomato plants.
I think I read books and puttered around my house. I think I had actual down time. I know that I enjoyed hobbies that have fallen to the waysides of my life now.
It is odd to look back and think, to remember ….
Even odder still to realise that I have forgotten how to just be. So long now I have been running. Revved up in survival mode, running from one moment to the next, stopping only long enough to take big gulping breaths of tight air. Striving each day to make lemonade out of all these damn lemons.
I think I have forgotten how to just be.
So today I’m gonna through my keep-busy-list into the fuck-it bucket. So I can get some practice relaxing.
Your arms, they feel like home
a feeling that had been fleeting
There is no reason for it,
no explanation,
yet it washes over me now
For the first time in weeks,
I start to relax...
I unbuckle my shields,
place my sword by the warmth
of your fire
The blade freshly sharpened,
looks out of place,
glittering in the soft light
Listening to the gentle
timber of your voice,
the sinew holding me together
softens, and slowly
I unwind
can this calming effects you have
on me seen by you ?
or do I still look hard and cold
- j.a_b
Diary of the Phoenix 