there goes my mind again
running through old arguments
a well-worn path I circle down into,
my body tenses up, preparing for a fight
that has already happened
muscles tight, ready to run
caught inside this memory,
a grainy movie my mind has pulled up
form the past, the script cannot be altered
the ending remains the same
Yet somehow, I can still feel the fear
This is not the present moment
Trying a new practice of mindfulness
Like the Buddhists, I simply watch
the memories as they slip in
naming them for what they are
angry ghosts of my past life
I remind myself to breath out
naming the memory for what it is
taking a breath I remind myself
it has no effect on this moment
I try to feel my feet on the floor
to connect to what is here right now
tuning into my breath
reaching inside myself for compassion
I try to feel my way into the present
to the dishes in the sink, my hands in
soapy water, listening to radio as
waves of sound fill the kitchen
breathing out I bring myself back
Not sure if this is a funk that I am in today. I don’t want to go and do the things I have to do. Today feels different than the days where I cannot face the day. Those dark stormy days. This is a completely different texture; I just don’t want to go to the grocery store, or tic the boxes off my to-do list. I want to curl up and…. well be curled up.
The sun is leaking into my living room, my pup is stretched out at my feet, I can hear her soft snores. My coffee cup is still warm. I feel relaxed, like I am beating within the natural rhythm of this day.
How much of this kind of time did I used to have, before trauma over took my life? What did I do with my mornings after I took the kids to school? The memories of that time are bright with laughter and lack shape, they smell of warm bread, craft paints and tomato plants.
I think I read books and puttered around my house. I think I had actual down time. I know that I enjoyed hobbies that have fallen to the waysides of my life now.
It is odd to look back and think, to remember ….
Even odder still to realise that I have forgotten how to just be. So long now I have been running. Revved up in survival mode, running from one moment to the next, stopping only long enough to take big gulping breaths of tight air. Striving each day to make lemonade out of all these damn lemons.
I think I have forgotten how to just be.
So today I’m gonna through my keep-busy-list into the fuck-it bucket. So I can get some practice relaxing.
