Diary of the Phoenix

Sage Sister

Posted on May 23, 2020May 21, 2020 by J.A.B.

She stands grounded in truth
it is both ugly and beautiful
She sees the sadness and pain in this world
the pain she had carried
pain reflected in eyes
Her own, eyes she loves and the eye of strangers

She hears the cries of neglected children
sees them as their tiny forms slip though the cracks 
in our broken system
She has wiped away their tears
and the tears of her own children of privilege
with full tummies and hands full of books
She has watched them laugh and dance and grow
rejoiced in their common struggles 
grateful for the gift of loving them 
guided them to listen to their heart to speak up for truth
instilled them with kindness

rejoicing in the quiet moment of tea in the garden
She refuels her soul in the comforts she has
shares her hearth with those she loves
offering warm cups and shared laughter 
as we lean on each other
with her other foot she stands in battle

protesting, standing up for her Sisters weary of their battles
Free to speak her mind, she uses her knowledge 
as a sword against the corrupt powers
it is hard work to shine lights in dark places
to reach into the darkness for the hands that are reaching back, 
grasping, searching, clawing to find away out 
work that cannot be left undone

she had seen the darker places in our world
her path has made her a warrior 
not because it made her hard 
because it made her compassionate 
as her heart broke open 
She healed all the pain she inherited

this is dedicated to the women I know and love who are warriors ❤ my tribe of ladies who have not let our hardships make us hard and have instead grown in compassion

Air, journal

Within the pause… this quiet place in time where all the cars stay parked on Monday mornings. Cafes are closed, everything is closed, the whining din of the city has been hushed. Birds song fills the rainy spring air, emboldened squirrels plant their bums in the middle of our urban garden-scapes. There is a surprising sense of relief. There is no where I have to be… not really. My day to day has been paused

When I wake up each day is stretched out before me now, like a canvas awaiting the stroke of my brush. With in the pause there is time for reflection. Questions I seldom have a moment to ask come boldly forward. Why do I feel I need to do it all? Am I enjoying the picture of life I am drawing? What is it that I find necessary? Do I even miss that? In this new world of limited movement, and closed doors I am finding a new freedom.

There is no guilt in not doing things right now, I can just choose to sit, or read, or play. I have no schedule. Its like those long summer days at home with the kids before school and lunches. Like living in a vacation day, filling my curios mind with things I enjoy. And I am seldom bored. I think I really dislike the routine of school. I dislike packing lunches most of all, and empathize with the kids feelings of monotony toward sandwiches.

I have spent the last few years starting and re-starting over with the changes that have been my journey. Right now, it seems this unique thing has happened, this moment of open potential; where I can experience my life devoid of everything I have taken on and signed up for over the past decade. What do I want the memories painted of the canvas of my life to resemble? With in this moment I am choosing.

Earth

Paths

Posted on May 5, 2020April 29, 2020 by J.A.B.

the path of the warrior is harder

the path of the healer is more worrisome

the path of the mother breaks your heart

the path of the love is full of burdens

the path of the wise is lonely

the path of the student carries the blessings of them all

goddess

Kali Speaks of Beauty

Posted on May 3, 2020April 29, 2020 by J.A.B.

You are so Beautiful
both Powerful and Fragile at once
says the Goddess to me as She dances laughing
milk flowing from her breasts and lava in her veins
Kali Ma the Mother
reveling in the beauty and sorrow of creating.
hands over my heart I cry and release
as I see the truth of it all
creativity bursts forth form my belly
golden light floats on the air in song
how potent is the love that births
like a star’s explosion
hot, searing and bright

Life is that spark, the searing Joy
blinding Pain of Love
fragile for its impermanence
and most beautiful for it as well
so drink it all in, taste the rain on your skin
bathe in the shrieking glee of your children
wrap yourself in the sent of your Love
eat your fears for breakfast
have a second helping
Live
because my child this is now

goddess

Goddess Pose

Posted on April 29, 2020April 29, 2020 by J.A.B.

the Heart in my chest melts
silver strings of Hope connect me
To the Goddess and Myself
Together we Create all the Dreams
that I have ever Sung aloud
or in Secret to Her ears alone

seven blossoms unfold themselves
Milk flows from Death and back
into Life again
it is the secret that the war Goddess knows
it is why she laughs at out tears
and gently carries us all home

*Samhara Kali* by Raja Ravi Varma
copied from wikipedia

Earth

We Come Together at Home

Posted on April 10, 2020April 7, 2020 by J.A.B.

Surreal, these new mornings no alarms 
The absence of city life, no traffic sounds,    
with out much notice we find our world on pause
In the place of the bustling electric pulse of cities 
the sound of bird song, and clearing skies  

The absence of city life, no traffic sounds,   
keeping our distance, as we join together  
Italians singing to one another on balconies
Pots banging and cheers for health workers at 7pm
Musicians streaming mini concerts online

Keeping our distance, as we join together,
reaching out.  Offering hope that will ripple,
giving to each other, protecting the vulnerable.
Neighbours shopping for each other 
staying in to keep everyone healthy

Reaching out, offering hope that will ripple.
 in this absence of industry, our focus shifts. 
We are strengthening our communities 
I wonder what world we will create together
When we are no longer at home  
 
                                                  - j.a_b

We will get through this, I have faith in us. And believe in our capacity to learn from this crisis. xoxox stay safe ,wash your hands ❤

Earth, journal

we are all in this together

Posted on April 7, 2020 by J.A.B.

What will this crisis bring,
when we have passed through the cloud of contagion?
My mind drifts and wanders as I sit quietly and
Acknowledge my fear.
Not so much for myself, its the fears I hold in my heart
for of my aging parents, my children. Our economy
 
Into my mind walks and image, of a small woman
with strength in her bones, resilience in her posture,
A thin smile on her lips, and unspoken love in her eyes
My grandmother.
 
Holding my fear safely in her hands she speaks
Of times of war, hardship, failed crops
Making bread with no milk. Birthday Cakes with out eggs
and apple pie out of potatoes and cinnamon
 
Her memories embrace me, the warm smell of bread
I hear the Singing of my mother and her sisters,
As she remembers them together in the kitchen
every hand busy and hearts full. 
Into my ear she whispers a truth.... 

Our needs are not as complex as we imagine them to be
 
We are all in this, distanced but together at home
 
Surreal is how to best describe waking up to
The absence of city life, no traffic sounds,
In place of business we have
Italians singing together on balconies
Cities applauding health care workers at 7pm
Songbirds streaming mini concerts online for us all
Neighbours shopping for each other
 
In this absence of industry,
we are strengthening our communities
giving to each other, protecting each other
staying in for each other
 
I wonder what world we will create together
When we are no longer at home  
                                                    - j.a_b

I have been thinking a lot about the generations before us and how they endured WW2, and the great depression. I have seen the the old food stamps my grandmother had for staples like flour. We will come out the other side of this. There will be loss, tragic loss to many families. Some of us will loose loved ones. Others will or may have already lost their businesses and livelihoods.    
I still have great hope that is living along side my fears. Imagine what will grow out of this pause we took for each other? We see some often the results of sowing hatred and fear-mongering. This spring we are planting compassion for each other, we are coming together  in solidarity around this whole big beautiful world. It gives me hope. This pause in our industry and our current path might just be the re-do we are looking for. 
                    ❤ stay safe, wash your hands

journal

And the Goddess Sighed

Posted on March 21, 2020 by J.A.B.

I was struggling lost in my grief; and the Goddess said “You are not alone”

“Yes I know, I know I'm not alone. I'm part of the Great Cosmic world,
we're all connected,” was my reply

But she knew I did not know and so.....

My world grew a bit darker, my emotions engulfed me, becoming
bigger than I could hold. I had to reach out, I had to reach out of
my darkness. To the people who care, who love me.
It was only then I learned that I was not alone.

When my heart was so heavy, I could no longer carry it on my
own. I had to lean or fall to the floor. I learned to lean on the
people that will answer a call at 3 a.m. Those that listen, who
are not afraid of my fear, who are not afraid of sadness.

The people who are able to love a whole person, even the pieces
we feel shameful about, the ugly parts that we try to hide form
ourselves. They came spilling out of me onto many a kitchen table,
because my heart was broken open in my grief.

In the warmth of these kitchens with tea in hand, tears falling to
the table, I was not alone.

I learned that we truly are connected. The love between friends
can move across a room in a look of compassion. Injecting my grief
with their light. Our shared words can be carried inside us, pulled
out when we need them. Our laughter flows through it encircles us
and billows out into the world we create.

I'm never alone, I'm surrounded by more love that I could have ever
imagined. It exists beyond time and our mortal senses.

Then the Goddess sighed;
and I could feel in my breath the rhythm of the ocean tides

- j.a_b

love

Arrhythmia

Posted on March 15, 2020March 11, 2020 by J.A.B.

we lay Breathing
Together in Sync
our bodies keeping Time

the moment where my Need ends and
your Flesh begins
is a smudged line
my body drapes across yours Pacified
for it has been filled
 
in the quiet reprieve my Mind wanders
then unhitches
it begins a Dance all its own
each step effortless
for it has done more than practice
its in my Bones
every step rehearsed to a symphony 
Out of Time
 
maybe the problem is my ear
in any sleepy mumble you make
I feel the Dismissal of a curtain call
my Breath pauses, I Skip the intake
Loosing the soft Rhythm of
our Shared breath
 
instantly you Warmth becomes a place apart
spiraling I roll Away form you
 Unable to see your Outstretched Hands

j.a_b

Air

Echos

Posted on March 11, 2020March 11, 2020 by J.A.B.

its early, crisp air pinches my cheeks
the stars have gone to sleep and
the moon casts a silver hue on the frosted ground,
the world around us slumbers
 
in the dark of winter mornings
children transform in to a team,
as they layer on their gear
sleep falls away from their eyes,
they come alive as their skates
scrap across the ice
 
the echoes of the arenas sooth,
rinsing away the outside world,
in this quiet hour boy become athletes
dream are formed in this cold forge
 
and men become boys again,
the lonely sound of ice on metal
the echo of a puck against the boards
like church bells calling us home